DILIGENCE IS BLISS

My mom always told me growing up that the way you knew you were ready to be a wife was if you could peel an entire apple in on big, swirly, unbroken peel. Obviously a little joke. Something that was altogether forgotten about by me until last Friday.

Last week was awesome for me, work was going well and I got to see some friends-I even had a little more energy and drive. So on Friday during work when we were making apple crisp for dinner-I cannot tell you how thrilled I was when, for the very first time, I peeled an apple in one piece!! Victory! 

So clearly, for me that was a sign that I was ready to be a wife. Which actually got me thinking about what preparing to be someone’s wife-an entirely new identity for the rest of your life..name change and all. Even when I got engaged I figured a marriage worked something like this.. 

If he keeps a working copy of Disney’s Ratatouille around for me, then I will make sure our fridge is always stocked with bacon.

OH NO NO.

Yes, those things will be happening in my marriage. DUH. But the more I read and talk to married women about what a Godly marriage looks like, the more motivated I become to love and encourage the way that I was made to. 

Also,  I am even more motivated to bake apple pies since I know that peeling the ingredients will be so much more fulfilling. Just kidding, I’m not a fruitcake..haha…get it?…fruitcake?

Anyways, to all of you women out there looking at your qualities and saying you will never be enough-remember that you are always growing and changing..and that even arrows have to be pulled backwards before they can be launched ahead to their targets! Be strong and courageous, it’s as easy as pie!

Okay, now that you’re back from rolling on the floor laughing…I would like to share the little dose of reality that life has tossed my way!

Moms are people too. In the past few months I have taken on a whole slough of responsibilities when it comes to taking care of a child. No, I am not a mom. I am a nanny. I do not claim to do the same things, as I wouldn’t want to step on any toes. However, in some ways they are similar. And yet, at the end of the night I get to walk away. Not to mention I am compensated for my work. Mommas on the other hand sacrifice themselves for the sake of loving another human being. Without walking away, or getting paid in anything but the sweet moments of love and giggles. From the get-go moms are committed to their babies. Like getting a tattoo on your face, there is no turning back. 

I know my mom has put up with a lot over the years. Yes, my big sister and I have good heads on our shoulders. However, it was not always the smoothest of seas. My saint of a mother has put up with my tantrums, stubbornness and downright stinky attitude. And yet she stands by me, encourages me, listens to me, prays for me and is my favorite person to goof around with. I would not be here without her.

Duh, because she delivered me.

But in the the darkest of times she really has fought FOR me. What a gal. She is great, you would like her.

So my lesson for tonight is, give your momma a little extra love..and mothers day flowers and maybe even take her out to mothers day brunch..the point is, show her just a fraction of the unconditional love that she has shown you over the years. 

Moms in general. Keep up the good work! You’re pretty great.

My momma specifically. You should write a book for moms about how to be a good mom. Because you are really awesome at all you do. You are also really pretty..I’ll stop embarrassing you over the world wide web. However, you are great. So, so great.

Let’s have a little chat, shall we?

I am slacking, it makes sense to me since I have never made it past two weeks with a diary. However, in the spirit of my generation-let me rationalize my mistakes!

I have not been feeling very well this week. In fact, I have been quite weak this week..bahaha get it? Weak..Week. My little battle with sickness has taken it’s toll with my sleep patterns-which leads me to my next topic.

COFFEE. 

Can I get an Amen?

This week I fell in LOVE with coffee. I’m talking that can’t-eat, can’t-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff. When I was in college, I drank coffee when I needed to stay awake for a late night study sesh or when my  then-boyfriend-now-fiance would surprise me with a little mocha before class. But now, I have a completely different appreciation. I am a new woman!I understand adulthood! I can explain the meaning of life!!

..maybe I’m getting a bit carried away..

Anyways, I have set a date for my wedding. That was a cool addition to my week! Now to adjust to a healthy/active lifestyle and ready myself to be a wife! And find a dress..and a caterer..and plan an entire wedding…..

..I’m gonna need some coffee first..

AMEN.

It feels appropriate that the weather has been a tad gloomy these past few days. I am feeling rather ill too. But before you get your doctor’s kits out..it’s just a sore throat and a headache-nothing that a little honey lemon tea and bedrest can’t cure.

My thoughts however are feeling above the gray clouds, the last few days I have been exercising and eating properly-as well as getting proper rest. I also have been laughing a lot. Which is nice.

I am a nanny. I am a very good nanny. I love my job as a nanny. My job is a blessing and the little girl I take care of fills my life with love and joy. Today we were listening to music and she said “this song sucks”. Say what? First of all that is an unnaceptable word for this house. Second, this song is freaking awesome. (You can guess which line actually made it from my head out of my mouth). I forget how quickly little kids pick up what you say and spit it out of their mouths..much like her chicken noodle soup last night. After my just-just about brain aneurysm I calmly corrected her and thought about my language…Not that I am a potty mouth, I’m sure that I could be..but I’m just not. However it got me thinking about the language that I use in everyday life. And how it could totes improve. Haha, that is just a little joke:) 

For real though, be one that breaths words of life and not of destruction!.

You remember that one time I told you that I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food?

Let me elaborate a little bit today.

The first time I ever hid food was in the fourth grade. I took two cans of pop, some pixie sticks and some jelly beans and hid them in a shoe box underneath my bed. And would only eat them when no one was around. From that moment I’ve placed moral value on foods ( i.e. eating this food makes me good/bad) which has lead me to restrict or over indulge in food in any way I can even to the point of struggling deeply with eating disorders. Now I am on the other side of anorexia, and have recovered physically-but never fully restored mentally. To do so would require an entire reprogramming. Instead, I have considered binging to be recovery, and have taken solace in the fact that I can eat whatever I want and it will give me a feeling of safety..and then the guilt sets in.

Yesterday, after church I had the worst binge of my entire life.That is not an exaggeration. I felt lonely. I went to five different stores so that the cashier wouldn’t remark on how much food I was buying. I even lied to one and said I was buying an entire bag of kit kat bars for a kids party. I drove back to my apartment and locked every door, closed every curtain and sat on my couch. I ate over 11,085 calories in one sitting. My fitness pal told me that if I continued eating that way that I’d be 253.8 lbs in five weeks. After I finished eating, I cried. The guilt was unbearable.

That for me was rock bottom.

Later that night I turned to my fiance, because he gives really good advice and is a great listener. How he loves, encourages and supports me after countless nights of crying over/discussing my overall physical/mental/spiritual health is beyond me. His patience with me can only be from The Lord. One line that he said to me is engraved on me today. “Or did you forget how far Jesus pulled you out of the pit?” I had never thought of it that way.

wow.

But seriously, wow. I had a difficult time getting to sleep after that-and when I did I had a nightmare. A wake up call nightmare.

I woke up this morning, did some yoga and a jillian michaels dvd-and I can not explain how I feel towards my body today. Just very hopeful, and ready to be done with this unhealthy relationship with food. I am doing my research on the way that food and exercise affects the human mind and body.

This is my little reminder for you and I today.

Strive for Progress, not for Perfection.

Two victories today!

The first was seeing Jurassic Park in 3D, that one is self explanatory.

The second was choosing an orange. I am a night eater if there ever was one. So this evening when I returned from the theatre and chose to eat and orange instead of junk food, I felt a little pride in my decision.

Slowly but surely wins the race.

..that is, unless you are getting chased by a tyrannosaurus rex..in which case I suggest running very fast..

Also, don’t run at all. If you stand still they can’t see you.

Or maybe if your are with people who are running, you should try to run the fastest so you don’t get gobbled up. I should start pretending I’m running from a T-Rex when I go jogging. I wonder if there is an app for that. I bet if there was and it were scientifically accurate then I would get virtually gobbled up every single time, or maybe if I run super fast I can beat the T-Rex, or at least the people around me. Gosh, death by dinosaur would be the worst.

Oh wait.

Dinosaurs are extinct. 

Make that three victories:)

I’m sitting here writing and trying to think of a clever way to demonstrate the concept of ‘never judge a book by it’s cover’. But at 2 in the morning a proper illustration, as well as sleep-eludes me. A kiwi. That’s what we’ve got to work with.

On the outside, a kiwi is the color of a toad and has a creepy fuzz. Not cute and soft like a peach-I’m talking the flimsy attempts that a pubescent boy takes at mustache making. Overall, pretty unappealing. And then you take the kiwi and peel it and your perspective completely changes..get it..unappealing..peel it..but for real. The moment that the discovery is made that the kiwi fruit is full of intricate, dainty designs-you may feel remorse for prejudging the kiwi. Even an urge to apologize..this is completely natural. OR you can just eat your fruit like a normal person and not take into consideration the emotional damage you’ve caused. Whatever floats your boat, dude.

I am not necessarily a kiwi on the outside. I am cute, and virtually hairless. But I see myself as one still. I have some pretty gross habits. Including nail biting, wearing dirty socks and I still can’t seem to shake this nose picking thing. Yeah, I’m disgusting-I’m almost distracted by how gross I can be. I’m tempted to erase that entire statement, to seem a little more beautiful and put together, but in the quest to be open and honest, I will leave it-for your eyes only. I digress. But on the inside, I am a gem. I am smart, compassionate and funny. I can charm the socks off of any professor, parent or toll booth worker that I meet.

This being said, I can also focus too much on the outside of me, and the outside of other people. Not cool.

So here is a challenge for the both of us.

First, take it easy on yourself. You are cute as fruit and are intricately designed.

Second, take it easy on others.  Chances are, they are more than what meets the eye.

When I feel a little cabin fever creeping in, and need some time to think-I go out driving. I wish I could say I go out running or do yoga..but no, I guzzle some gas and step heavier into my carbon footprint and go DRIVING. And when I go on these little adventures I do two things. Dream of the woman that I want to be, and eat twix bars. 

In my head I would appear to be more of a beautiful person if I told you that I did not consume 8 twix bars this evening..but that..would be a lie. The truth is that  on my drive tonight, while listening to news radio-I started worrying about the end of the world. Oh gosh..I probably sound like Chicken Little. But for real, I thought about what I would have accomplished in life if all the sudden life were over. Only to realize that so many of the dreams and goals that I have created for myself I am not preparing for nor pursuing. My little epiphany reminded me of what consumes my life. Myself.

Not Jesus.

Or others.

Me.

For years I have looked at myself with disgust-constantly picking myself apart, focusing on the negative. Soaking like a swedish meatball in my own self pity.This has effected my eating patterns and over-all self value enormously. I can’t remember having a healthy relationship with food, I’ve yo yo-ed weight like Oprah Winfrey and ascribed moral value to each morsel that passes my lips. You catch my drift. You can imagine that after the small army of Twix bars that I consumed tonight, I’m looking at myself (well, not right now..I am writing right now..) and feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts. 

I’ve often heard that in order to help others, you must first help yourself..specifically, I heard that from my high school guidance counselor and my all too brilliant mother. I think people need help, and love. I imagine myself bringing more hope and love to the world.

So what better to draw the focus outside of myself than write a blog all about me?

Just Kidding! I just think that writing is important. And ever since Julie&Julia, I’ve imagined myself to be an avid blogger. So I request that you, my dear reader, consider this the tales of my journey to become the woman that I truly want to be.

Before the sky is falling:)